When we move to another country, we leave much more behind than a familiar place. We leave behind the people who have been physically present in our lives for years: family members, close friends, colleagues, neighbours. People we can call when something happens, but also people we can simply meet for a coffee or hug when words aren’t enough.
Of course, today we can call, text and video chat. We can even have dinner together through a screen. But when we feel down, overjoyed, lost or simply in need of someone’s presence, sometimes what we really want is a person physically next to us.
When Friends Become Family
When I arrived in the Netherlands, I needed to start building my own relationships. I talked to many people, and eventually I met a girl with whom I immediately felt a connection. She helped me build my first foundations in Rotterdam while I was discovering the city, looking for work, meeting new people and trying to understand the culture around me. Whenever I was in trouble or had doubts, she would listen and help me when I needed it. And vice versa.
Slowly, other people entered my life. Some helped me find work. Others helped me find a place to live. Some offered emotional support, showed me another way of seeing the world or helped me understand aspects of Dutch culture that were still unfamiliar to me.
Over time, these people became my family, not because our relationships were perfect. They weren’t. Sometimes we didn’t want to see each other and simply stayed home. Sometimes they couldn’t be there when I needed them because they were dealing with their own struggles. Sometimes I hurt them, or they hurt me.
But we could talk about it, give each other space, let things pass and eventually meet again. There wasn’t much judgment between us. There was space to be ourselves and they felt like family.
What Happens to the Family You Leave Behind?
My mother, father and the rest of the family I grew up with remained in Catalonia.
At first, I travelled back to see them every few months. But eventually, I began making different choices about how I wanted to use my time and money. Of course I wanted to see my family. But I also wanted to discover other places, travel and build my own life. My time and budget were limited, so choices had to be made, and my family also had to learn to accept those choices.
For a long time, I didn’t think much about it till I created my own family in the Netherlands, and the distance took on a completely different meaning.
When You Create a Family Abroad
When my daughter was born, naturally my family wanted to be close to her.
Grandparents wanted to see their only grandchild. Aunties wanted to be part of her life. We wanted to see them too. The love and desire to be together were there, but we lived in different countries.
Sometimes the desire simply remained a desire, travelling was limited on both sides.
There were moments when I travelled somewhere other than my homeland and felt guilty about it. Eventually, I had to learn that loving and bonding with my family didn’t mean that every holiday, every journey and every available moment had to take me back my homeland.
I could understand their desire to see my daughter while also recognising that it wasn’t solely my responsibility to make every meeting happen.
I had my own life and my own family now, too.
When Community Becomes Essential
Later, when my relationship ended and I became a single parent, I experienced the importance of my chosen family in a completely different way. My relatives lived abroad. My home situation was difficult. I needed to find another place to live, increase my income and take care of my daughter.
Suddenly, community wasn’t an abstract idea. I needed people physically around me.
A good friend who lived about two hours away offered my daughter and me a place to stay four days a week while I looked for a home and additional work.
At first, I thought travelling that distance every week would be too much. But having somewhere safe to stay gave me something I needed even more: space to rebuild.
I managed to organise almost all my work into the three days I was in Rotterdam. My students were incredibly flexible and understanding. My babysitter adapted when necessary. Friends offered me a bed for the night or an extra hand when I needed one. It wasn’t an easy period, but the people around me helped make it possible.
That experience also taught me that community isn’t about finding people who solve your problems. It’s about having people physically present around you while everyone remains responsible for their own life. Their support gave me space and possibilities, but I still needed to find my own solutions.
Building My Own Community
Eventually, after considering moving to another city as well, I found a home in Rotterdam.
The rent was higher than I would have liked, and I wasn’t sure whether I should take it. A friend gave me the courage to trust myself and go for it.
During my first year in that home, I continued building.
I made new friends, found three or four babysitters I could trust, and strengthened existing relationships. Slowly, I created a small community around my daughter and myself.
Today, when friends are going through difficult periods, I can also be there for them. My home is open when someone needs a place to rest, talk, be listened to or simply spend some time away from everything.
Start With One Person
After all these years, I’ve realised how important it is when living abroad to build, or become part of, a small, physical community.
It doesn’t need to begin with ten people.
Start with one.
That person might not immediately become your best friend. Close friendships need time. They grow through conversations, shared experiences, difficult moments, laughter, disagreements, helping each other and simply being present every now and then.
Then one day, perhaps a year or two later, you look around and realise that there are people you trust. People you can call, you can count on.
And you are also someone they can count on.
The perfect friendship doesn’t exist. The perfect community doesn’t exist either.
What we can find are people who share enough of our values to walk alongside us. Even those relationships will sometimes be tested. We are human. We misunderstand each other, change, disappoint each other and see things differently.
Difference doesn’t necessarily need to mean the end of a relationship.
Sometimes it is simply another part of learning how to stay connected.
Family Away From Home
Moving abroad changed my understanding of family.
My family in Catalonia is still my family. Distance doesn’t erase that history or the love between us, and family, for me, has become something larger.
It can also be the people who witness the person you’re becoming. The friend who gives you somewhere to stay. The person who encourages you when you’re afraid to take the next step. The babysitter who helps when life becomes complicated. The friend you haven’t seen for two months but with whom nothing feels lost when you meet again.
Family can be inherited, and family can also be built.
When we move abroad, perhaps part of belonging is learning to make space for both.
If you’re living abroad and feeling that you don’t yet have your people around you, don’t put pressure on yourself to immediately find a whole community.
Start with one person.
One conversation. One shared experience. One small act of trust.
Give it time and space.
